With apologies to Mick Jagger.
After the 1952 election, Harry Truman laughed about the problems that Eisenhower would face once he was inaugurated President. “He’ll sit here, and he’ll say, ‘Do this! Do that!’ And nothing will happen. Poor Ike – it won’t be a bit like the Army. He’ll find it very frustrating.”
Poor Barack. He has the opposite problem. Not only do his vassals do what they think he directs and always take the fall for it, but according to him, his vassals do many things that he doesn’t even know about. Until he reads about it in the papers.
Barack campaigned on closing Gitmo before his first election. That proved impractical unless the poor imprisoned Jihadis could be Mirandized and tried in the US courts with the same rights as natural-born citizens. A firestorm ensued and even his vassals couldn’t make his orders come true. So much for the legal powers of the Presidency.
Obama is determined to close Gitmo no matter what assumed powers he must take or how that will work out afterward. During his hand-holding with the Castro brothers he has likely arranged for the transfer of the Guantanamo Naval Base (a piece of sovereign US territory, by the way) to the Cuban government. He will be following in the footsteps of Jimmy Carter when he surrendered the Panama Canal to the Torrijos government (and eventually to the Chinese).
So, class, step by step how will this be done? Several steps suggest themselves.
- Obama will order the Navy to walk away from everything at Gitmo leaving it in perfect order and removing nothing.
- Republicans in Congress will wail, tear their hair, gnash their teeth, rend their garments and then retire en masse to the Congressional Bar to drown their sorrows on the lobbyist’s tab, all while muttering dark imprecations about Obama’s lawless ways and how they are NOT going to forget this. Not for a long time. Nosirree. You bet.
- The Base Exchange will immediately be looted and all contents taken to the Presidential Palace in an armed convoy.
- The base chapel will immediately be defiled and converted to a latrine.
- The base library will immediately be burned.
- All toilet paper and soap in the enlisted restrooms will be offered to Cuban citizens on the black market for Yanqui dolars. Anyone attempting to pay with hard currency will have it confiscated, then be shot and their houses destroyed. Barter for pigs and chickens will be accepted.
- All vehicles will be stripped for parts to keep the 1948 through 1958 American cars running, parts also to be sold on the black market (see above).
- Cuban army privates will roar in, tear out all the plumbing and electrical wiring for sale to scrap dealers, get drunk on cheap rum and shoot up everything with Kalashnikovs and then burn it all while celebrating with Army-supplied prostitutes.
- Following the Palestinian model anything still remaining will be urinated upon.
- Prepared propaganda will then be published in the New York Times revealing all the terrible things and horrible secrets that the freedom-loving Cuban Army found.
- The Jihadi Gitmo alumni will muster up back home and re-establish personal relationships with their goats.
- Wives will be beaten for general sinfulness and plans will be made to attack Americans somewhere as soon and often as possible.
American newspapers (Least Significant Media) will ignore any of the above Cuban actions and publish glowing accounts about how Cuban citizens broke into the base to voluntarily plant peace gardens on the site of the infamous criminal naval base formerly occupied by the brutal, hegemonistic running dog lickspittle lackys of the warmongering American Navy, which was driven into the ocean by the glorious and fearless actions of the brave Cuban Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and Castro Girl Guides.
Obama will immediately send congratulations to the Castro brothers on the successful ejection of the filthy Yanquis and will suggest immortalizing the turnover date as a Cuban holiday to be called “Triumph of the Glorious Revolution When the Hated NorteAmericanos Were Defeated Day”. (El Dia del Triunfo de la Revolución Gloriosa Cuando el Norteamericanos Odiado Fueron Derrotados).
Progressives in New York City, Austin Texas, Berkeley California and elsewhere will sneer at the US Navy and celebrate the anniversary waving paper Cuban flags.
UK newspapers will tell the story filtered through their particular editorial viewpoint but will generally agree that Obama gave up Gitmo without receiving anything in return.
Each of the good cigars Raul gave Obama will explode when he tries to light it after Michele makes him go out into the Rose Garden. He goes through all the cigars anyway, convinced that the next one won’t explode. He would have made the deal for cartons of Kools and bottles of 40-ounce Olde English 800 malt liquor, except the Castros didn’t have the cash to buy any.
This will all be Bush’s fault anyway.